Monday, June 30, 2008

NIMBY's Guide to LICH Playground

A controversy is brewing at LICH on Henry Street regarding the state of its public playground. Gowanus Lounge has brought us all the shocking details of the playground's disrepair, which include stagnant water, garbage, and rats. These are obviously not ideal conditions for a playground, so I've decided to post some helpful hints for parents to deal with the situation:

1. Don't bring your children to LICH playground.
I know this sounds extreme, but just hear me out. Apparently, there are other parks in the city. I may be wrong.*

2. Move out of Brooklyn.
You won't have to worry about LICH playground if you don't live anywhere nearby!

3. Put your children up for adoption.
If you put your kids up for adoption, you can recalim your life, stop worrying about playgrounds altogether, and move into a nicer apartment. You may think putting your child up for adoption is cruel, but who's to say your child won't be adopted by wealthier, better-looking parents with a swimming pool?

*I am never wrong. Ever.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Granddaddy of Brooklyn Hipsterdom: Walt Whitman

Brooklyn-based literary heavyweight Walt Whitman is the focus of a new blog: Whitman's Brooklyn. The site compiles images of Brooklyn from the 1850s, when Whitman first made a name for himself by self-publishing his obscene Leaves of Grass.

The original Brooklyn hipster, Whitman has paved the way for generations of hipsters to flock to our borough in pursuit of brash youth culture. And in true hipster form, Whitman wasn't even born in Brooklyn - he came from Long Island!

IMHO: Despite its focus on this ancient hipster, the images on Whitman's Brooklyn are fantastic. They provide a view of a simpler Brooklyn - free of IKEA, skinny jeans, and indie rock.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Build-A-Bear Workshop Coming to Court Street?

Please tell me this isn't true!

Several emails have alerted me that Build-A-Bear Workshop is interested in moving into the old Blockbuster site on Court Street. Apparently, the company has noticed the vast stroller gridlock in brownstone Brooklyn, and is banking on those kiddies reaching bear-building age by the store's grand opening in 2009.

IMHO: Must we continue to cater to these spawning hipsters? Enough is enough!

Waterfalls: WTF?

I don't get it. So it's just water spraying off scaffolding? Gimme a break!

This is New York (muthafuckin') City! We're the biggest, best city in the world - and our waterfalls look like this?

This can't compete with Niagara Falls upstate. And up there, even the Canadians have us beat - their side of the falls is much more kick-ass than the New York side. Maybe New York isn't meant to have decent waterfalls.

IMHO: Olafur Eliasson should've tried a little harder than dangling a garden hose off a ladder. For next year, I propose a series of giant Watter Wiggles in the middle of the East River!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Curbed Officially on NIMBY Shitlist

CURBED is officially on notice! The blog today decided to report on the new IKEA buses zooming up and down Carroll Gardens - and in the process denounced its citizens as "cranky". The headline reads:


How DARE they infer that we Carroll Gardners are cranky! Cantankerous, yes. Testy, sometimes. Touchy, perhaps. Ornery, maybe. Crabby, it's conceivable. Ornery, occasionally. Irritable, periodically. Stubborn, also periodically. Grouchy, you're damn right! But CRANKY??

IMHO: Curbed has gone too far with this slanderous insult. First- a boycott of their "blog". Second - class action suit! Who's with me? (And no Cobble Hillers, you guys really are cranky!!)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Future set to invade Carroll Gardens!

A new video rendering of the Karl Fischer-designed 100 Luquer Street has just been released, and it's absolutely shocking! Just when you thought this monstrosity couldn't get any worse, take a look at this:

IMHO: This is way beyond out-of-context! This is out-of-this-world! What's next, the Smith - 9th Street Spaceport??? Carroll Gardeners must act now to stop our adorable brownstone village from becoming the Mos Eisley (wretched hive of scum and villainy) of the 21st century!!!

I am Alex McCord

Earlier, I decided to take The Real Housewives of NYC Personality Quiz. I am fellow Brooklynite Alex McCord.

"Worldly, classy and educated, you may not have been born into high society, but you know you belong there."
How true!

However, I do have an issue with her exploitation of our sleepy brownstone community for fame. As television crews continue to shoot here, more "social-climbers" like McCord will certainly be drawn to South Brooklyn.

IMHO: This area doesn't need more Real Housewives!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Hipsters Mock Carroll Gardens Gentrification

Looky what we have here. HIPSTERS! And in true hipster form, they hold nothing sacred - including the eroding quality of life in Carroll Gardens!

You may not have identified these boys as hipsters immediately. Be aware that not every hipster dresses in the same way. I almost pine for the simpler days when you could tell a hipster from his narrow pant leg and asymmetrical haircut. Nowadays, hipsters have spread their dubious mentality to more casual young adults - but make no mistake, they are still just as dangerous. Perhaps even more dangerous now that they're not so easily identified.

Whereas 50s greasers had switchblades, today's hipsters are armed with irony. Sharp tongues are their weapon of choice, and they will use "wit", "humor" and "sarcasm" to convince the weak that they are powerful.

IMHO: This video is solid evidence that our neighborhood is under seige by these irreverant yucksters. We hard-core Carroll Gardens traditionalists must fight back with anti-irony: sincerity. It's hipster Kryptonite!

Hoyt Oyster Bar to destroy fabric of society

While everyone has been worried about the noise that the new oyster bar on Hoyt and Union might generate for its neighbors, has nobody considered the moral repercussions? Oysters can change their sex several times throughout their lifetime - they're the trannies of the sea!

Do we want the loose morality and decadence of oysters trashing up our Carroll Gardens streets? Certainly all these newcomer hipsters with their floppy hair will be slurping a few of these slippery gender-benders, but what about our impressionable children?

IMHO: Today, it's an oyster bar. Tomorrow, it's a sexual revolution!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

340 Court - Shocking Blue!

What's with this big blue wall dividing the sidewalks along Court? It obviously has to do with renovations to 340 Court Street, but is all this necessary? And why blue?

IMHO: This neighborhood is comprised of reds and browns, and this big BLUE wall has been erected with a shocking lack of respect for the aesthetic sensibilities of Carroll Gardeners! Couldn't they have at least painted a faux-brick facade? Perhaps a mural of a Tuscan village? It's shocking colors like these that are transforming our beautiful historic neighborhood into some depraved hipster color carnival!

And for the record, I am opposed to this new building. I will NOT live there, and will spit on those who do.

Why couldn't they leave the old building alone?

Our heritage is crumbling into the landfill of NYC history.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Red Lobster coming to Court Street?

What's with all the rumors about Red Lobster opening in the old Blockbuster space? Can this be true? I've heard this over and over again, but I refuse to believe it!


I think this would be an absolute travesty! Who would eat there? Maybe all these newcomers to the neighborhood who miss all the comforts of their Midwestern mall stores. Granted, I only moved here 4 months ago, but the reason I bought in this neighborhood was because of it's charm - and nothing should change from this point on! This is my neighborhood now, and if we're not careful it's going to be overrun by all these new young hipster renters who are going to ruin the value of everything!

I am strictly opposed to the new Red Lobster, and will never eat there.

Brooklyn Omnivores Unite!

Is it just me or are these insipid newcomers to our Brooklyn neighborhoods trying to force their lifestyles down our throats? Case in point - those dastardly hipster vegetarians and their veggie agenda! Or as I call it, their 'veg-enda' (copyright pending).

Now I'm all about live and let live (behind closed doors), but...


Every day our omniverous rights are being usurped by the slithering vegetarian mafia. Unlike more visible marginalized groups, the veggies don't demand to be accommodated - they already expect it!

I was at Hanley's last night, and I overheard one veggie complaining that the last remaining veggie-friendly dish (the mac & cheese) had been recently upgraded to mac & cheese & ham! Well, for us regular folk, it's a victory! Sure, I never asked for it, but add ham to anything and it's automatically better. But the veggies want to take away our omni right to eat mac & cheese with ham.

I applaud Hanley's for taking a stance against the veg-enda, and I will most certainly be meating it up in their garden much more now that I know that I won't end up sitting next to some bearded veggie. It's time we take back out borough from these malnourished know-it-alls - one restaurant at a time!!