Friday, August 29, 2008

Poor Oliver!

The developer of Oliver House at 360 Smith lost their appeal to build their 700 story skyscraper (the largest ever constructed in the Americas) at the corner of 2nd Place and Smith Street. But it's only a matter of time before Oliver House appeals for...

... more please.

IMHO: I am hilarious! Admit it!

Everybody Loves NIMBY

A new article on Planetizen is all about me, your lovable neighborhood NIMBY. Since it's almost Labor Day (yay!) I'm not in the mood to read it.

That Planetizen has taken the time to acknowledge the hard work I've poured into my quest to erradicate hipsters, hippies, yuppies, yunnies, yogurts, strollers, babies, dogs, dog poop, IKEA, BJs, and everything else "new" from our perfect brownstone paradise truly means the world to me.

IMHO: It's about time NIMBY got some respect around here!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Brooklynites to Receive BJs

It's no longer just the Swedes destroying Red Hook. According to The Brooklyn Paper, BJ's Wholesale Club is dropping anchor at the old Revere Sugar factory down the street from the crime-ridden IKEA!

First of all, who even has enough space in their apartment for 55-gallon drums of ketchup?

And what's with the name? Couldn't they have come up with a less sexually provocative name? Why not call it GloryWholesale! Perhaps they didn't want to be confused with the popular Cobble Hill hook-up joint Gobble Hole.

IMHO: HilBloeCoc doesn't need BJ's.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

IKEA = bad IDEA ?

The Brooklyn Paper reports a sharp increase in petty crime in the area surrounding the big blue box we've all come to know as IKEA. It seems those flaxen-haired, scandalous Scandinavians have built a mecca for NYC purse-snatchers:

Between Aug. 8 and 17, “about eight” shoppers and employees reported that their personal items were stolen in the big box store on Beard Street, according to police from the 76th precinct.

The sheer number of disappeared purses and deft swiping of wallets surprised local cops, but they said conditions in the store are perfect for these types of crimes.

“It’s a big store and it attracts a lot of people,” said Deputy Inspector Michael Kemper, commanding officer of the 76th police precinct covering Red Hook, Cobble Hill and Carroll Gardens. “On the weekends, it’s packed and in crowded atmospheres, people sometimes prey upon the innocent.”

Yet another example of a quaint Brooklyn neighborhood infiltrated by outsiders - and ruined!

Monday, August 25, 2008

OMFG! 'Gossip Girl' Sluts it Up in CG

What's this I hear about Gossip Girl filming in our neighborhood?

After founding CHARTS - Concerned Hilbloecockers Against Reality Tv Shows - to protect the neighborhood from 'The Real World' (which we did), I now realize the problem is much larger than I had anticipated. Certainly we shouldn't single out the reality tv genre, we should hate on ALL TV!

That being said, I will continue CHARTS, but have made it a subsidiary of a new umbrella group: CHEATS - Concerned Hilbloecockers Enraged About Tv Shoots.

We cannot allow these girls, with their outrageous headbands, to clutter up our serene sidewalks!

We've let our neighborhood slip through our fingers long enough. It's now time to tighten our grip! Join CHEATS today!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

God Begins Destruction of Carroll Gardens

It appears God Himself has taken issue with the rapid gentrification of Carroll Gardens. Early this morning, a local HilBloeCoc brownstone was smitten by His mighty hand.

We've seen this sort of stuff from Him before. Remember Sodom and Gomorrah?

IMHO: If our precious neighborhood continues to tolerate this influx of young hipsters and yogurts, Carroll Gardens will soon have its wine and brownstones replaced by FIRE and BRIMSTONE!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Newcomers Buying Out Long-Time Brooklyn Residents

For those of you who still give a damn about preserving the old-school character of the neighborhood, you may be dismayed to learn that Loretta Castorini (pictured left) has sold her family's brownstone for $3.5 million.

The Castorinis have been highly visible since the release of a 1987 documentary that followed Loretta's search for love after the loss of her husband.

More recently, a documentary camera crew filming the sale of the house captured raw emotion as Loretta first learned she couldn't sell the family home for her original asking price of $5 million:

And apparently Loretta's already experiencing seller's remorse. Here is a candid moment where she reflects on her feelings of regret:

IMHO: It's so sad to see the old-timers move out of the neighborhood. Damn yogurts, buying up our history - and buying out our heritage!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Hooters to open on Court Street

Carroll Gardens is about to get its jiggle on! Hooters, the boob-a-licious restaurant chain, is slated to move into the old Blockbuster space on Court Street this winter.

A spokesperson for the company, who asked to remain anonymous because she is embarrassed by her employer, said that "hipsters in HilBloeCoc are horny, and will insist they dine at Hooters only for the irony. But secretly, they love big tits and chicken wings just as much as rednecks do."

IMHO: While the women of Carroll Gardens are generally quite flat-chested, I worry that an influx of big-breatsed Hooters Girls will attract the wrong type of character to our quaint brownstone community.

Let's start a petition to keep Carroll Gardens from becoming one big bachelor party!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Rug-rat infestation at Carroll Park

Okay, so I just read this on the HilBloeCoc Parents group and found it outrageous! Apparently, children are being let loose in Carroll Park:

This morning around 10:15, I was taking my son into the little side at Carroll Park and when I opened the gate a little boy wearing a red Plymouth Summer Camp t-shirt ran out. I stopped him and asked where him “Where is your grown-up? Where is your mommy? Where is you babysitter?” He just shrugged and giggled and ran away. I went around to every person in the little side asking if they were with the boy, and nobody knew him.

Then I walked around asking each of the people in the sprinkler area, nobody there knew him either. He ran into the big side and laid down on the bridge without making contact with an adult. I went around that side as well and still nobody knew him. I finally went to get Kathleen [the park caretaker], and she did the same thing– she went around asking everyone and talking to the boy but not getting answers about his name or his caregiver’s name. She headed toward the middle monument area with him and FINALLY a babysitter appeared. I am not exaggerating that 20 minutes had passed since the boy ran out of the gate. I have no idea how long he had been inside the little play area before I got there.

IMHO: It's bad enough these rugrats scurry around like actual rats through the neighborhood - now they're being let off their leashes?

Keep your kids kenneled. Or, move out to the 'burbs where they can actually enjoy the outdoors without a nanny watching to make sure they're not abducted, hit by a car, or annoy bloggers!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Baby Got Back Building goes Rental!

Brownstoner reports that 45 3rd Place, after years of trying to sell, is going rental instead!

The 'Baby Got Back' building, as I am now calling it, has reportedly scared off prospective buyers with its shoddy interior construction.

For more information, dial 1-900-Mix-a-Lot, and kick them nasty thoughts.