Everybody Loves NIMBY

A new article on Planetizen is all about me, your lovable neighborhood NIMBY. Since it's almost Labor Day (yay!) I'm not in the mood to read it.

That Planetizen has taken the time to acknowledge the hard work I've poured into my quest to erradicate hipsters, hippies, yuppies, yunnies, yogurts, strollers, babies, dogs, dog poop, IKEA, BJs, and everything else "new" from our perfect brownstone paradise truly means the world to me.

IMHO: It's about time NIMBY got some respect around here!

Newcomers Buying Out Long-Time Brooklyn Residents

For those of you who still give a damn about preserving the old-school character of the neighborhood, you may be dismayed to learn that Loretta Castorini (pictured left) has sold her family's brownstone for $3.5 million.

The Castorinis have been highly visible since the release of a 1987 documentary that followed Loretta's search for love after the loss of her husband.

More recently, a documentary camera crew filming the sale of the house captured raw emotion as Loretta first learned she couldn't sell the family home for her original asking price of $5 million:



And apparently Loretta's already experiencing seller's remorse. Here is a candid moment where she reflects on her feelings of regret:



IMHO: It's so sad to see the old-timers move out of the neighborhood. Damn yogurts, buying up our history - and buying out our heritage!

Hooters to open on Court Street

Carroll Gardens is about to get its jiggle on! Hooters, the boob-a-licious restaurant chain, is slated to move into the old Blockbuster space on Court Street this winter.


A spokesperson for the company, who asked to remain anonymous because she is embarrassed by her employer, said that "hipsters in HilBloeCoc are horny, and will insist they dine at Hooters only for the irony. But secretly, they love big tits and chicken wings just as much as rednecks do."

IMHO: While the women of Carroll Gardens are generally quite flat-chested, I worry that an influx of big-breatsed Hooters Girls will attract the wrong type of character to our quaint brownstone community.

Let's start a petition to keep Carroll Gardens from becoming one big bachelor party!

Seperate Lines for Hipsters at Red Hook Ballfields?

I'm excited as everyone else that the Red Hook Vendors are finally back and serving up their tasty treats - but it's become apparent that the influx of hipsters and yogurts has led to a drastic decline in the quality of this unique dining experience!

What used to be a short wait has become hours of standing behind hipsters blathering on about whatever hipsters talk about. I don't speak their language, so all I hear is "blah blah vegan... blah blah McCarren Park... blah blah let's move into this neighborhood and ruin its character".

IMHO: All I want is a huarache dammit! There should be a line for us regular folk, and another for yogurts!

Carroll Gardens = Condo Gardens? Maybe Not!

First, the yogurt invasion of Carroll Gardens took a massive step forward when ground broke at 360 Smith - the enormous 70+ story glass tower at the corner of Smith Street and 2nd Place.

Then a miracle! The city unanimously voted to define 2nd Place as "narrow", potentially limiting the scale and size of this horrid hipster-holder. The building received a stop work order, and now its future is in jeopardy. This means our subway entrance, scheduled to close for 8 months, will stay open!


Now, usually I hate flip-flops...

... but this time, I'm flipping psyched! And I'm flipping the bird to all the yogurts throughout HilBloeCoc who thought they could come bring their crystal towers to our precious low-rise brownstone paradise.

IMHO: Boo-ya, hipsters!

Red Hook's IKEApocalypse

Despite the yogurts' unrelenting optimism about the impact IKEA would have on Red Hook, it's becoming increasingly obvious that it was a horrible idea! Red Hook is suffering more than ever, and quality of life has plummeted in the neighborhood.

Take a look at Red Hook before IKEA...


...and compare that with the post-IKEA Red Hook of today:


IMHO: This is a crisis we cannot afford to ignore any longer! Our worst nightmares have become a reality - IKEA has ruined Brooklyn forever.

'Thank us for destroying Carroll Gardens!'

Any concerned Carroll Gardener (or anyone from HilBloeCoc for that matter) should be outraged by the smug attitudes exhibited today in the New York Time's profile of Alan Harding and Jim Mamary, who can be thanked for turning our adorable brownstone heaven into a purgatorial playground for hipsters, yuppies, yunnies, the stroller mafia, and, of course, yogurts!

They're the villains who opened Patois, Gowanus Yacht Club, Zombie Hut, Union Smith Cafe, Pacifico, Trout, and the infamous Oyster Bar. Sure, I patronize these establishments, but only because there are simply no other (decent) alternatives! I hate myself for it!

Alan Harding actually has the nerve to say this about destroying Carroll Gardens:

“If we hadn’t done it, somebody else would have. But I just wish they’d thank us instead of chasing us through the streets with pitchforks.”

How clueless is this guy? Not only is he oblivious to the destruction he's left in his wake, he's just as oblivious when it comes to our mob weapons! Those weren't pitchforks, you idiot. They were tridents! Big difference.

Pitchfork:

Trident:

Pitchforks are for hay, tridents are for WAR!

At War with the Yogurts

Perhaps you've noticed I hate hipsters? Unfortunately, I feel I haven't quite expressed my hatred well enough.

The blog Jeremiah's Vanishing New York coins a whole new term, “yunnies”, to refer to young urban narcissists – those who ruin our neighborhoods with money and demands of convenience.

I admire this new term, as it adds a greater nuance to the overused 'hipster' term that has come to refer to anyone from post-college trust funders to 40-something stroller-pushing latte sippers. But I feel that “yunnies” doesn't go far enough, so I've come up with my own term: YOGURTs.

Yogurt (yō'gərt) n. acronym for Young Obnoxious Gentrifying Urban Rhetorical Terrorists: Yogurts are destroying the majesty of HilBloeCoc and the charming, gritty character of once-blue collar Williamsburg.

Fight the yogurts, take back our borough.