Friday, July 25, 2008

Seperate Lines for Hipsters at Red Hook Ballfields?

I'm excited as everyone else that the Red Hook Vendors are finally back and serving up their tasty treats - but it's become apparent that the influx of hipsters and yogurts has led to a drastic decline in the quality of this unique dining experience!

What used to be a short wait has become hours of standing behind hipsters blathering on about whatever hipsters talk about. I don't speak their language, so all I hear is "blah blah vegan... blah blah McCarren Park... blah blah let's move into this neighborhood and ruin its character".

IMHO: All I want is a huarache dammit! There should be a line for us regular folk, and another for yogurts!

Carroll Gardens = Condo Gardens? Maybe Not!

First, the yogurt invasion of Carroll Gardens took a massive step forward when ground broke at 360 Smith - the enormous 70+ story glass tower at the corner of Smith Street and 2nd Place.

Then a miracle! The city unanimously voted to define 2nd Place as "narrow", potentially limiting the scale and size of this horrid hipster-holder. The building received a stop work order, and now its future is in jeopardy. This means our subway entrance, scheduled to close for 8 months, will stay open!

Now, usually I hate flip-flops...

... but this time, I'm flipping psyched! And I'm flipping the bird to all the yogurts throughout HilBloeCoc who thought they could come bring their crystal towers to our precious low-rise brownstone paradise.

IMHO: Boo-ya, hipsters!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Red Hook's IKEApocalypse

Despite the yogurts' unrelenting optimism about the impact IKEA would have on Red Hook, it's becoming increasingly obvious that it was a horrible idea! Red Hook is suffering more than ever, and quality of life has plummeted in the neighborhood.

Take a look at Red Hook before IKEA...

...and compare that with the post-IKEA Red Hook of today:

IMHO: This is a crisis we cannot afford to ignore any longer! Our worst nightmares have become a reality - IKEA has ruined Brooklyn forever.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

New Blog Alert: Fuck You Yuppies!

Blogs are taking over the world! Especially here in Carroll Gardens, where everybody seems to have a blog either in support of neighborhood preservation (yay!) or defense of hipsters, yuppies, yunnies, and yogurts (boo!).

But now, as reported by New York Magazine, someone in the nabe has started an outdoor blog - the first of its kind! It takes a decidedly anti-yuppie slant, as you can see from its first post (above).

Its creator has opted for a stripped-down, no-frills platform, but I wish the layout was more appealing. Also, there's no comments section, but I imagine the site will become more user-friendly over time.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Join the Carroll Gardens Anti-Reality TV Coalition

A report on Brownstoner suggests the threat of The Real World: Carroll Gardens still looms over our precious neighborhood.

An intern from Hunter College who is working for MTV provided an interesting statement that The Real World may not even film [in downtown Brooklyn] because they were having some issues with the BellTel Lofts building with the location at 116 Third Place in Carroll Gardens as the backup.

As a response, I'm forming a neighborhood alliance called CHARTS - Concerned Hilbloecockers Against Reality Tv Shows - to combat the threat of The Real World or any other reality television program from co-opting our brownstone paradise. Alex McCord, you are officially on notice!

IMHO: It's bad enough that these putrid reality tv shows invade my home via the TV - now the reality shows are invading MY backyard!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Hot Topic opening on Court Street

It's Official!

Hot Topic, the store that specializes in punk/metal fashion and merchandise, is leasing the space that used to be occupied by Blockbuster on Court Street.

Projected to open by October 2008, their 691st store will allow teens from HilBloeCoc and beyond to get their hands on officially licensed wares from Korn, Good Charlotte, Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance, and many many more.

As you may have guessed, I am VERY unhappy about this unexpected development. First, the ridiculous Urban Outfitters on Atlantic - and now THIS???

Have you ever been unfortunate enough to walk the streets of Carroll Gardens at school dismissal time? It's a nightmare! These kids today, with their hip-hop be-bop (and whatnot) are already cluttering up our usually serene sidewalks.

Now we'll have to endure a shop that seems all-too-happy to promote a misfit teenage lifestyle. (They even promote a band called The Misfits!) Do we want gaggles of no-good skateboarders lollygagging outside this putrid mall-style store looking for trouble? NO!

IMHO: I think we concerned Carroll Gardeners should at least start a petition - although a protest wall would be a more suitable option. Who's with me?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

'Thank us for destroying Carroll Gardens!'

Any concerned Carroll Gardener (or anyone from HilBloeCoc for that matter) should be outraged by the smug attitudes exhibited today in the New York Time's profile of Alan Harding and Jim Mamary, who can be thanked for turning our adorable brownstone heaven into a purgatorial playground for hipsters, yuppies, yunnies, the stroller mafia, and, of course, yogurts!

They're the villains who opened Patois, Gowanus Yacht Club, Zombie Hut, Union Smith Cafe, Pacifico, Trout, and the infamous Oyster Bar. Sure, I patronize these establishments, but only because there are simply no other (decent) alternatives! I hate myself for it!

Alan Harding actually has the nerve to say this about destroying Carroll Gardens:
“If we hadn’t done it, somebody else would have. But I just wish they’d thank us instead of chasing us through the streets with pitchforks.”
How clueless is this guy? Not only is he oblivious to the destruction he's left in his wake, he's just as oblivious when it comes to our mob weapons! Those weren't pitchforks, you idiot. They were tridents! Big difference.



Pitchforks are for hay, tridents are for WAR!

Monday, July 7, 2008

At War with the Yogurts

Perhaps you've noticed I hate hipsters? Unfortunately, I feel I haven't quite expressed my hatred well enough.

The blog Jeremiah's Vanishing New York coins a whole new term, “yunnies”, to refer to young urban narcissists – those who ruin our neighborhoods with money and demands of convenience.

I admire this new term, as it adds a greater nuance to the overused 'hipster' term that has come to refer to anyone from post-college trust funders to 40-something stroller-pushing latte sippers. But I feel that “yunnies” doesn't go far enough, so I've come up with my own term: YOGURTs.

Yogurt (yō'gərt) n. acronym for Young Obnoxious Gentrifying Urban Rhetorical Terrorists: Yogurts are destroying the majesty of HilBloeCoc and the charming, gritty character of once-blue collar Williamsburg.

Fight the yogurts, take back our borough.

Brooklyn: 1989

Here's an amazing video, originally posted by Gowanus Lounge, about what Brooklyn was like in 1989. This is the Brooklyn I'm fighting for.

Hipsters have stolen this beautiful place away from us.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Brooklyn's Best Pizza

I've gone to painstaking lengths to sample all the pizza our borough has to offer. After much careful deliberation, I've decided that the best pizza in Brooklyn is (drum roll please):

Their Brooklyn-style pizza has been much maligned by locals, but it's damn tasty! Forget Lucali's, The BRKLYN is hands-down the best pizza in the entire borough, and perhaps even the city. With a name like The BRKLYN, would you expect any less?

A perfectly thin crust, foldable slices, just a little cheese and a whole lotta pepperoni make this pizza a stand-out from the bland and boring local choices we are usually subjected to.


Yes, I know, Domino's isn't native to Carroll Gardens. This is something I've wrestled with. In fact, I had quite a bias against the fast-food chain as I began my survey of Brooklyn pizza. But despite my resistance, it won me over.

IMHO: These other pizza joints in the neighborhood could learn a thing or two about quality pizza-making from the guys at Domino's. Not only do they make a superior product, Domino's brought the issue of Noid avoidance to the forefront of public discussion in the 80s. Because of Domino's vigilant evasion programs, we now live in a Noid-free society.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Down with BoCoCa!

Are you fed up with this "BoCoCa" nonsense? Well I am!

I propose a new real-estate term to describe Boerum Hill, Cobble Hill, and Carroll Gardens:


Catchy, right? Let's make this happen, people.

Trader Joe's to kill planet, neighborhood

While many of you hipsters are actually excited to see this beautiful architecture defiled by the purveyor of bourgeois bullshit, Trader Joe's, some of us are dreading its arrival. Soon, scores of yuppie-duppies with their strollers in tow will flock to our beautiful neighborhood to buy silly cheeses and freaky fishes.

But, do you silly hipsters realize they stock the threatened orange roughy fish?

According to wikipedia:
In recent years, the consumption of orange roughy has risen drastically due to increased supply through previously impossible deep-sea trawling techniques. Its recovery rate from fishing is slow because of its life cycle and sporadic reproduction making the fish incredibly prone to overfishing. It is the first commercially sought fish to be added to Australia's list of endangered species because of overfishing. According to Seafood Watch, orange roughy is currently on the list of fish that American consumers who are health and sustainability minded should avoid.
Seems TJ's isn't so hip after all!

Also, their employee training video is of shockingly low production value: