Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Alert: More Red Hook Reality!

CHARTS (Concerned Hilbloecockers Against Reality Tv Shows), in conjunction with its parent organization CHEATS (Concerned Hilbloecockers Enraged About Tv Shoots) is holding an emergency meeting this Thursday to address the latest reality blip on the South Brooklyn radar.

As reported by NYT, a new reality docu-soap is being filmed at South Brooklyn Community High School, with real teens "acting" out their real life dramas for the cameras.

Please help us put an end to this insanity, and restore class and dignity to the streets of Red Hook. Join CHARTS and/or CHEATS today!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Good Penmanship on Display in Carroll Gardens

While raw emotions have been on display frequently in the debate over the controversial 360 Smith building, we rarely get to enjoy some good, old-fashioned handwriting! But now CORD, which I believe stands for Cursive On Rugged Display, has provided the neighborhood with a sign full of swirly, fanciful letters.

IMHO: I do enjoy seeing some classy handwriting in the neighborhood, But must Every other Word be Capitalized? There seems to be some major over-capitalization happening here, and I worry that any 2nd graders who encounter this sign may become confused by the standard rules of cursive and the renegade writing exhibited here.

For anyone who needs a refresher:

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Great Moments in NIMBYism: Red Hook hates on the Real World

An article in amNY highlights the admirable NIMBYism of the resilient residents of Red Hook - they're treating the Real World cast and crew like shit!

This falls out of the jurisdiction of CHARTS and CHEATS, which pertain only to television shoots in HilBloeCoc. But we all should be proud of our Hook neighbors for giving the RW'ers some good old fashioned Brooklyn love.

IMHO: Even though I have no sympathy for anyone ever, I would encourage people to continue harassing the cast, but give the crew a break - it's just their job, and they probably hate the cast more than we do!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

More Bars = More Foul Language

What's with all these bars continually cropping up on Smith Street? What ever happened to the good ol' days of drinking alone in front of the TV?

It seems another hipster haven is headed to HilBloeCoc. This one is Char 4, and it's serving up BBQ and lots of whiskey.

This is getting out of hand! Now I don't mind a good stiff drink time and again, but there's a sickening by-product to this proliferation of bars: public cussing. Drunken hipsters with vulgar vocabularies are eroding the quality of life in Carroll Gardens.

IMHO: These bars and their cussy clientele - yogurts, yunnies, hipsters - violate our earspace with f-words, gosh dangit! Let's close them all!!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Poor Oliver!

The developer of Oliver House at 360 Smith lost their appeal to build their 700 story skyscraper (the largest ever constructed in the Americas) at the corner of 2nd Place and Smith Street. But it's only a matter of time before Oliver House appeals for...

... more please.

IMHO: I am hilarious! Admit it!

Everybody Loves NIMBY

A new article on Planetizen is all about me, your lovable neighborhood NIMBY. Since it's almost Labor Day (yay!) I'm not in the mood to read it.

That Planetizen has taken the time to acknowledge the hard work I've poured into my quest to erradicate hipsters, hippies, yuppies, yunnies, yogurts, strollers, babies, dogs, dog poop, IKEA, BJs, and everything else "new" from our perfect brownstone paradise truly means the world to me.

IMHO: It's about time NIMBY got some respect around here!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Brooklynites to Receive BJs

It's no longer just the Swedes destroying Red Hook. According to The Brooklyn Paper, BJ's Wholesale Club is dropping anchor at the old Revere Sugar factory down the street from the crime-ridden IKEA!

First of all, who even has enough space in their apartment for 55-gallon drums of ketchup?

And what's with the name? Couldn't they have come up with a less sexually provocative name? Why not call it GloryWholesale! Perhaps they didn't want to be confused with the popular Cobble Hill hook-up joint Gobble Hole.

IMHO: HilBloeCoc doesn't need BJ's.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

IKEA = bad IDEA ?

The Brooklyn Paper reports a sharp increase in petty crime in the area surrounding the big blue box we've all come to know as IKEA. It seems those flaxen-haired, scandalous Scandinavians have built a mecca for NYC purse-snatchers:

Between Aug. 8 and 17, “about eight” shoppers and employees reported that their personal items were stolen in the big box store on Beard Street, according to police from the 76th precinct.

The sheer number of disappeared purses and deft swiping of wallets surprised local cops, but they said conditions in the store are perfect for these types of crimes.

“It’s a big store and it attracts a lot of people,” said Deputy Inspector Michael Kemper, commanding officer of the 76th police precinct covering Red Hook, Cobble Hill and Carroll Gardens. “On the weekends, it’s packed and in crowded atmospheres, people sometimes prey upon the innocent.”

Yet another example of a quaint Brooklyn neighborhood infiltrated by outsiders - and ruined!

Monday, August 25, 2008

OMFG! 'Gossip Girl' Sluts it Up in CG

What's this I hear about Gossip Girl filming in our neighborhood?

After founding CHARTS - Concerned Hilbloecockers Against Reality Tv Shows - to protect the neighborhood from 'The Real World' (which we did), I now realize the problem is much larger than I had anticipated. Certainly we shouldn't single out the reality tv genre, we should hate on ALL TV!

That being said, I will continue CHARTS, but have made it a subsidiary of a new umbrella group: CHEATS - Concerned Hilbloecockers Enraged About Tv Shoots.

We cannot allow these girls, with their outrageous headbands, to clutter up our serene sidewalks!

We've let our neighborhood slip through our fingers long enough. It's now time to tighten our grip! Join CHEATS today!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

God Begins Destruction of Carroll Gardens

It appears God Himself has taken issue with the rapid gentrification of Carroll Gardens. Early this morning, a local HilBloeCoc brownstone was smitten by His mighty hand.

We've seen this sort of stuff from Him before. Remember Sodom and Gomorrah?

IMHO: If our precious neighborhood continues to tolerate this influx of young hipsters and yogurts, Carroll Gardens will soon have its wine and brownstones replaced by FIRE and BRIMSTONE!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Newcomers Buying Out Long-Time Brooklyn Residents

For those of you who still give a damn about preserving the old-school character of the neighborhood, you may be dismayed to learn that Loretta Castorini (pictured left) has sold her family's brownstone for $3.5 million.

The Castorinis have been highly visible since the release of a 1987 documentary that followed Loretta's search for love after the loss of her husband.

More recently, a documentary camera crew filming the sale of the house captured raw emotion as Loretta first learned she couldn't sell the family home for her original asking price of $5 million:

And apparently Loretta's already experiencing seller's remorse. Here is a candid moment where she reflects on her feelings of regret:

IMHO: It's so sad to see the old-timers move out of the neighborhood. Damn yogurts, buying up our history - and buying out our heritage!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Hooters to open on Court Street

Carroll Gardens is about to get its jiggle on! Hooters, the boob-a-licious restaurant chain, is slated to move into the old Blockbuster space on Court Street this winter.

A spokesperson for the company, who asked to remain anonymous because she is embarrassed by her employer, said that "hipsters in HilBloeCoc are horny, and will insist they dine at Hooters only for the irony. But secretly, they love big tits and chicken wings just as much as rednecks do."

IMHO: While the women of Carroll Gardens are generally quite flat-chested, I worry that an influx of big-breatsed Hooters Girls will attract the wrong type of character to our quaint brownstone community.

Let's start a petition to keep Carroll Gardens from becoming one big bachelor party!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Rug-rat infestation at Carroll Park

Okay, so I just read this on the HilBloeCoc Parents group and found it outrageous! Apparently, children are being let loose in Carroll Park:

This morning around 10:15, I was taking my son into the little side at Carroll Park and when I opened the gate a little boy wearing a red Plymouth Summer Camp t-shirt ran out. I stopped him and asked where him “Where is your grown-up? Where is your mommy? Where is you babysitter?” He just shrugged and giggled and ran away. I went around to every person in the little side asking if they were with the boy, and nobody knew him.

Then I walked around asking each of the people in the sprinkler area, nobody there knew him either. He ran into the big side and laid down on the bridge without making contact with an adult. I went around that side as well and still nobody knew him. I finally went to get Kathleen [the park caretaker], and she did the same thing– she went around asking everyone and talking to the boy but not getting answers about his name or his caregiver’s name. She headed toward the middle monument area with him and FINALLY a babysitter appeared. I am not exaggerating that 20 minutes had passed since the boy ran out of the gate. I have no idea how long he had been inside the little play area before I got there.

IMHO: It's bad enough these rugrats scurry around like actual rats through the neighborhood - now they're being let off their leashes?

Keep your kids kenneled. Or, move out to the 'burbs where they can actually enjoy the outdoors without a nanny watching to make sure they're not abducted, hit by a car, or annoy bloggers!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Baby Got Back Building goes Rental!

Brownstoner reports that 45 3rd Place, after years of trying to sell, is going rental instead!

The 'Baby Got Back' building, as I am now calling it, has reportedly scared off prospective buyers with its shoddy interior construction.

For more information, dial 1-900-Mix-a-Lot, and kick them nasty thoughts.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Seperate Lines for Hipsters at Red Hook Ballfields?

I'm excited as everyone else that the Red Hook Vendors are finally back and serving up their tasty treats - but it's become apparent that the influx of hipsters and yogurts has led to a drastic decline in the quality of this unique dining experience!

What used to be a short wait has become hours of standing behind hipsters blathering on about whatever hipsters talk about. I don't speak their language, so all I hear is "blah blah vegan... blah blah McCarren Park... blah blah let's move into this neighborhood and ruin its character".

IMHO: All I want is a huarache dammit! There should be a line for us regular folk, and another for yogurts!

Carroll Gardens = Condo Gardens? Maybe Not!

First, the yogurt invasion of Carroll Gardens took a massive step forward when ground broke at 360 Smith - the enormous 70+ story glass tower at the corner of Smith Street and 2nd Place.

Then a miracle! The city unanimously voted to define 2nd Place as "narrow", potentially limiting the scale and size of this horrid hipster-holder. The building received a stop work order, and now its future is in jeopardy. This means our subway entrance, scheduled to close for 8 months, will stay open!

Now, usually I hate flip-flops...

... but this time, I'm flipping psyched! And I'm flipping the bird to all the yogurts throughout HilBloeCoc who thought they could come bring their crystal towers to our precious low-rise brownstone paradise.

IMHO: Boo-ya, hipsters!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Red Hook's IKEApocalypse

Despite the yogurts' unrelenting optimism about the impact IKEA would have on Red Hook, it's becoming increasingly obvious that it was a horrible idea! Red Hook is suffering more than ever, and quality of life has plummeted in the neighborhood.

Take a look at Red Hook before IKEA...

...and compare that with the post-IKEA Red Hook of today:

IMHO: This is a crisis we cannot afford to ignore any longer! Our worst nightmares have become a reality - IKEA has ruined Brooklyn forever.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

New Blog Alert: Fuck You Yuppies!

Blogs are taking over the world! Especially here in Carroll Gardens, where everybody seems to have a blog either in support of neighborhood preservation (yay!) or defense of hipsters, yuppies, yunnies, and yogurts (boo!).

But now, as reported by New York Magazine, someone in the nabe has started an outdoor blog - the first of its kind! It takes a decidedly anti-yuppie slant, as you can see from its first post (above).

Its creator has opted for a stripped-down, no-frills platform, but I wish the layout was more appealing. Also, there's no comments section, but I imagine the site will become more user-friendly over time.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Join the Carroll Gardens Anti-Reality TV Coalition

A report on Brownstoner suggests the threat of The Real World: Carroll Gardens still looms over our precious neighborhood.

An intern from Hunter College who is working for MTV provided an interesting statement that The Real World may not even film [in downtown Brooklyn] because they were having some issues with the BellTel Lofts building with the location at 116 Third Place in Carroll Gardens as the backup.

As a response, I'm forming a neighborhood alliance called CHARTS - Concerned Hilbloecockers Against Reality Tv Shows - to combat the threat of The Real World or any other reality television program from co-opting our brownstone paradise. Alex McCord, you are officially on notice!

IMHO: It's bad enough that these putrid reality tv shows invade my home via the TV - now the reality shows are invading MY backyard!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Hot Topic opening on Court Street

It's Official!

Hot Topic, the store that specializes in punk/metal fashion and merchandise, is leasing the space that used to be occupied by Blockbuster on Court Street.

Projected to open by October 2008, their 691st store will allow teens from HilBloeCoc and beyond to get their hands on officially licensed wares from Korn, Good Charlotte, Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance, and many many more.

As you may have guessed, I am VERY unhappy about this unexpected development. First, the ridiculous Urban Outfitters on Atlantic - and now THIS???

Have you ever been unfortunate enough to walk the streets of Carroll Gardens at school dismissal time? It's a nightmare! These kids today, with their hip-hop be-bop (and whatnot) are already cluttering up our usually serene sidewalks.

Now we'll have to endure a shop that seems all-too-happy to promote a misfit teenage lifestyle. (They even promote a band called The Misfits!) Do we want gaggles of no-good skateboarders lollygagging outside this putrid mall-style store looking for trouble? NO!

IMHO: I think we concerned Carroll Gardeners should at least start a petition - although a protest wall would be a more suitable option. Who's with me?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

'Thank us for destroying Carroll Gardens!'

Any concerned Carroll Gardener (or anyone from HilBloeCoc for that matter) should be outraged by the smug attitudes exhibited today in the New York Time's profile of Alan Harding and Jim Mamary, who can be thanked for turning our adorable brownstone heaven into a purgatorial playground for hipsters, yuppies, yunnies, the stroller mafia, and, of course, yogurts!

They're the villains who opened Patois, Gowanus Yacht Club, Zombie Hut, Union Smith Cafe, Pacifico, Trout, and the infamous Oyster Bar. Sure, I patronize these establishments, but only because there are simply no other (decent) alternatives! I hate myself for it!

Alan Harding actually has the nerve to say this about destroying Carroll Gardens:
“If we hadn’t done it, somebody else would have. But I just wish they’d thank us instead of chasing us through the streets with pitchforks.”
How clueless is this guy? Not only is he oblivious to the destruction he's left in his wake, he's just as oblivious when it comes to our mob weapons! Those weren't pitchforks, you idiot. They were tridents! Big difference.



Pitchforks are for hay, tridents are for WAR!

Monday, July 7, 2008

At War with the Yogurts

Perhaps you've noticed I hate hipsters? Unfortunately, I feel I haven't quite expressed my hatred well enough.

The blog Jeremiah's Vanishing New York coins a whole new term, “yunnies”, to refer to young urban narcissists – those who ruin our neighborhoods with money and demands of convenience.

I admire this new term, as it adds a greater nuance to the overused 'hipster' term that has come to refer to anyone from post-college trust funders to 40-something stroller-pushing latte sippers. But I feel that “yunnies” doesn't go far enough, so I've come up with my own term: YOGURTs.

Yogurt (yō'gərt) n. acronym for Young Obnoxious Gentrifying Urban Rhetorical Terrorists: Yogurts are destroying the majesty of HilBloeCoc and the charming, gritty character of once-blue collar Williamsburg.

Fight the yogurts, take back our borough.

Brooklyn: 1989

Here's an amazing video, originally posted by Gowanus Lounge, about what Brooklyn was like in 1989. This is the Brooklyn I'm fighting for.

Hipsters have stolen this beautiful place away from us.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Brooklyn's Best Pizza

I've gone to painstaking lengths to sample all the pizza our borough has to offer. After much careful deliberation, I've decided that the best pizza in Brooklyn is (drum roll please):

Their Brooklyn-style pizza has been much maligned by locals, but it's damn tasty! Forget Lucali's, The BRKLYN is hands-down the best pizza in the entire borough, and perhaps even the city. With a name like The BRKLYN, would you expect any less?

A perfectly thin crust, foldable slices, just a little cheese and a whole lotta pepperoni make this pizza a stand-out from the bland and boring local choices we are usually subjected to.


Yes, I know, Domino's isn't native to Carroll Gardens. This is something I've wrestled with. In fact, I had quite a bias against the fast-food chain as I began my survey of Brooklyn pizza. But despite my resistance, it won me over.

IMHO: These other pizza joints in the neighborhood could learn a thing or two about quality pizza-making from the guys at Domino's. Not only do they make a superior product, Domino's brought the issue of Noid avoidance to the forefront of public discussion in the 80s. Because of Domino's vigilant evasion programs, we now live in a Noid-free society.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Down with BoCoCa!

Are you fed up with this "BoCoCa" nonsense? Well I am!

I propose a new real-estate term to describe Boerum Hill, Cobble Hill, and Carroll Gardens:


Catchy, right? Let's make this happen, people.

Trader Joe's to kill planet, neighborhood

While many of you hipsters are actually excited to see this beautiful architecture defiled by the purveyor of bourgeois bullshit, Trader Joe's, some of us are dreading its arrival. Soon, scores of yuppie-duppies with their strollers in tow will flock to our beautiful neighborhood to buy silly cheeses and freaky fishes.

But, do you silly hipsters realize they stock the threatened orange roughy fish?

According to wikipedia:
In recent years, the consumption of orange roughy has risen drastically due to increased supply through previously impossible deep-sea trawling techniques. Its recovery rate from fishing is slow because of its life cycle and sporadic reproduction making the fish incredibly prone to overfishing. It is the first commercially sought fish to be added to Australia's list of endangered species because of overfishing. According to Seafood Watch, orange roughy is currently on the list of fish that American consumers who are health and sustainability minded should avoid.
Seems TJ's isn't so hip after all!

Also, their employee training video is of shockingly low production value: